Friday, May 20, 2011

20 Tips for Visiting Family from the Midwest

(In no particular order):

1) Do not ask for a "slice of cheese." What you want is called a plain slice or, if you must, a regular slice.

2) Uptown is a direction, not a destination.

3) Take that god damn fannie pack off, please.

4) Sure, dad, that "I Heart NY" shirt will look really good on you. Totally buy it.

5) Hail cabs, don't call them.

6) Dumb as it sounds, you are waiting on line, not in line.

7) A bike lane is part of the street, not part of the sidewalk.

8) If you get out of a cab and hit a cyclist with the door, it's your fault, period.

9) Yes, that's a film shoot happening. No, you may not attempt to speak with the star.

10) The Empire State Building is the really tall one, the Chrysler Building is the really pretty one.

11) Yes, there really are that many subway lines.

12) "The City" means Manhattan.

13) No, you will not be shot on site upon entering Brooklyn.

14) If you want to be robbed, wave that camera around more, please.

15) Going to the Statue of Liberty is a waste of your fucking time and mine.

16) No, I have never run into that particular celebrity on the street.

17) Twenty percent is on the low end of the tip spectrum here.

18) Get the hell out of Manhattan every chance you get.

19) Times Square actually really sucks.

20) Fucking walk faster!

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